Archived Letters from Father Val J. Peter, JCD, STD
Executive Director, Boys Town

Keys to Moving Our Youth Beyond the Disrespect in Our Schools

Schools are meant to be places of learning, involvement, and positive common experiences. By almost every measure, kids who become involved in school activities do better academically, socially, and in just about every other way.

However, in recent years, schools have changed drastically for the worse. The quality and quantity of negativity and disrespect has increased to dangerous levels, and it is tolerated. There always have been cliques. But this is not the problem. Once schools began to tolerate more abusive language and more violent behavior, they became combat zones.  And students become warriors gathered to victimize other groups.

Educators have become so obsessed with student rights, the educational community is suffering in two ways: First, not as much learning takes place. Secondly, schools are becoming places of alienation and violence.

The basic brotherhood and sisterhood of youth are fragmented and seem to have disappeared. Certain experiences that previously unified the student body, such as sports teams or theatrical events, no longer do so. There is an escalation of negative behavior and even open warfare.

Let me suggest four things that students can do when disrespected in school:

Actively ignore the disrespect

Disrespect has two components, one external and the other internal.

Externally, you should just not attend to the disrespect: actively ignore it. Get yourself out of the situation. Say nothing. Leave. Consider the source. If a hostile group of kids hangs around a particular corner and hassles anyone walking by, the best thing to do is to not walk by. You will extinguish their behavior by doing this.

When I was growing up, a group of bullies used to hang around the corner drugstore right after school. If you didn’t want to be hassled, you went to the drugstore at a different time.

Now an adolescent may say this is not fair or kind, and it’s not what is supposed to happen. That’s all true. But the real power is in what an adolescent does in response, not what the bullies do. Actively ignoring disrespect is a clever thing, indeed.

Don’t just let disrespect hurt you inside

Sometimes a student can’t help but be hurt inside by the disrespect he or she receives from fellow students. I cannot help but feel hurt deep down inside if I really am unskilled athletically. Or I am uncoordinated. Or I am overweight. Disrespect in these situations hurts deep down inside.

When this happens, seek guidance from a caring, loving adult. In many cases, a wise adult can help someone dress more appropriately, look less uncoordinated, or learn new friendship skills. Oh yes, you’ll have to work harder to find friends, but you will find them.

I always remember a girl here at Boys Town who was born without a right hand. Life was unfair, but it sure didn’t bother this young girl. She sought guidance from adults. She made the most of what she had. She had a smile on her face, and she was well liked.

Look at the adult world. You’ll discover that it is not just the homecoming king and queen who get married. Most people do. And most people do so happily. Most people find life-long friends. The pain you feel inside from the disrespect won’t last forever. So take courage and have hope.

Don’t bring disrespect upon yourself

If you dress like a trenchy and talk like a trenchy and act like a trenchy, you will be treated like a trenchy. If you dress like an outcast, and are rude and obnoxious, you will bring much disrespect upon yourself. If you look like a ho, act like a ho, talk like a ho, you will be treated like a ho. So don’t go out of your way by engaging in fringe and dangerous behaviors.

Give respect to others and to yourself

There isn’t a kid who doesn’t at times feel angry at the world, or that he or she isn’t being treated fairly. A recent article in The Washington Post quoted a suburban high school trenchy as saying: "In the seventh grade, I withdrew from people. I didn’t have any friends. I started doing bad in school. I was probably more depressed. Then it kind of developed into anger. I just kept my distance."

This person does not respect himself. He let the alienation grow until he began to engage in marginal and dangerous behavior. Don’t let it go that far. If negative feelings toward yourself and others are hurting your grades or your social life, get some help and get it right away.

An unfortunate strategy is what I call "reject the rejecters." It makes you think this way: "I didn’t make the football team, so football is a dumb sport and all the people who made the team are idiots."

"I really wanted to sing a solo in the school play, but didn’t get selected. So the school play, all the kids in it, the teachers, everyone, is dumb and stupid and now the butt of my jokes. I seek to destroy the play and the people associated with it. I was hurt, and now I want to hurt them back."

A really bad tendency is for the "rejection" to generalize more and more, beyond a few things to everything. Even worse is when "anti" groups form groups whose unwritten code and behavior is to massively reject anything and anybody. Their activities feed the revenge appetite. What might be pranks and practical jokes turn into attack missions.

Much of this is simply reaction to perceived rejection gone wild. Joy is gone, fun is perverted to "getting even," friends become scarce unless you find other "anti-people," and then life becomes "sick."

There is an old saying: "Smile and the world smiles with you. Cry and you’ll cry alone." There’s a lot of truth in that.

Every one of us has been disrespected at times in our lives, but we can take action to minimize it. We can then get on with the positive side of our lives. There is an old Chinese proverb: "You cannot keep the bird of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can keep it from nesting in your hair."

Good advice.